Nursing Home:

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden.

They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”

She asks, “What?”

“Sex!!” he replies.

Mildred exclaims, “Why you old fart. You couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!” “I know,” Harold says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while.

” Well, I can oblige,” says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold’s manhood.

Then one night Harold didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold’s manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don’t have?

” Old Harold smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson’s.”

************************

Whose IDEA WAS IT THAT WE SHOULD WORK FIVE DAYS IN A WEEK? (WHY NOT THREE?)

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there
is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for “normal” people at the
Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing
here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder……

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there… I’m gonna
eatthe next thing that comes outta it’s bum.”

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the
toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t
point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you
get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway ?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re
both dogs !

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables,then what is baby oil made from ?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

************************

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

‘I never want to live in a vegetative state,

dependent on some machine & fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug.’

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She’s such a bitch!!!

************************

Man kneeling by bed,

Wife says,

what are you praying for?

Husband says:

Guidance.

Wife says,

Pray for stiffness,

I’ll guide the thing myself!

I wonder if angels believe in ghosts?

Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?

The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake..

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I’m still a hot babe, but now it it comes in flashes.

Five days a week, my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.

People who think they know it all really annoy those of us who DO.

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

I thought I was indecisive; now I’m not so sure..

My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns!

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; BUT..

teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks!

I used to have a handle on life, but it BROKE!

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose!Q

When you’re going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.

Rock is dead,” Long live paper and scissors”!

If you are what you eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing?

Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.

Earth is full. Go home!

Life is sexually transmitted.

Never take life seriously……

NOBODY  gets out alive, anyway!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

My life has a superb cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.

Nothing’s impossible for those who don’t have to do it.

Out of my mind…. Back in five minutes.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

My reality check just bounced.

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

When everything’s coming your way,  you’re in the wrong lane and driving against traffic!

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Elvis is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity!

SERIOUSLY..

Q: Should I cut down on meat

and eat more fruits and vegetables?

You must grasp logistical efficiencies.

What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn.

And what are these?  Vegetables.

So a steak is nothing more than an

efficient mechanism of delivering

vegetables to your system.

Need grain?   Eat chicken.

Beef is also a good source of field grass

(green leafy vegetable).

And a pork chop can give you 100%

of your recommended daily

allowance of vegetable products.

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise

can prolong life; is this true?

Your heart is only good for so many beats,

and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise.

Everything wears out eventually.

Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;

that’s like saying you can extend

the life of your car by driving it faster.

Want to live longer?

Take a nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.

Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the

fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.

Beer is also made out of grain.

Bottoms up!

Hoeveel kinders moet ons in vandag se lewe he?

ONSE ‘OU FAMILIE-PLASIE……WELKOM ALLE KINDERS!

In vervloe dae het jy jou rykdom in jou aantal nasate getel, maar vandag is dit ‘n perd van ‘n heel ander kleur.

Weg is die rugby spanne wat mekaar grootgemaak met, ou Sanna wat instaan as “ma” ………

Die jonges word ge – pe – pa en die oues word geja!

Want oumies en die baas moet die Vee, werf hoenders, Kalwers, Skape, eiers ,, lande, tuine en dies meer bewerk.

Want kos op die tafel is ‘n moet en die Erfplaas wat geslagte al sorg word vir lewenslank verbou om geslag na geslag te behou….soos die Bybel altyd getrou!

Plaasvolk staan ook bakhand na ure se swoeg in die warm Afrika son!

Droogtes, Oorlog, vyande en of vriend nie teenstaande bou die spanne agt of meer, want hande op die plaas en in die grond meen kos is altyd in die mond!….

”Wat,s new? En nou waar’s die erfgrond nou!!!!!

Goed moet my nie stenig nie, ma was wel daar, maar permanent in die kombuis besig met maaltye …….

Inle vrugte,en dies meer. Om selfonderhoudend te wees verg “ietwat” aandag. Biltong maak ‘n nasionale kuns en wors maak ‘n alledaagse niks….Botter karring, kaas en melk…Shoe die klere is ook nog nie reg!

Pa was vroegdag uit die vere, op die veld besig met die diere en die land Koeie kalwers vark en perd mak soos lammers in sy hand.

Kuns van veartsnykunde, Bemesting, Ekonomie sommer alles byderhand.

So die kinders was aan hul eie genade oorgelaat en soos wat ek luister was dit hemel op aarde van kleilat gooi tot kalfry……Vars vrugte uit die boorde eet” Sondag skool.

Weeklikse bad en stories in die aande voor’n koolstoof met boerebeskuit in die hand.

Sak Sarel pa wil bok skiet!

Sondag patats,skaapboud ,hoender, boontjies, gebakte “ertapels rys en soet pampoen.

Kersfees doekpoeding met egte pennies en dorp toe gaan die hoogtepunt van die maand!

Niks so eenvoudig soos Kentucky, Mc Donalds, Mc Cain groente en microwave heat & Eat,

Darem is daar woolworths ready bake Poedings what a treat!

Klink idilies maar in der waarheid glo ek nie ek sou sonder die hedendaagse geriefies oor die weg kon kom nie.

Ek meen dink net aan DSTV en DIE SKOOTREKENAAR, PLAYSTATION

1,2 &3, PSP, NINTENDO, Wii DIE SELFOON, INTERNET EN NOG

BAIE BAIE MEER……….

Lekke word ons dubbel wat ons moes, met oefening net om die draai by Virgin sentrum teen ‘n billike maandelikse fooi!

Kom net daar uit parkering gladnie ‘n probleem.

Gerief op die punte van jou fingers kyk net mooi vir steel en wees geduldig en gedwee!

Maandelikse verpligting sorg hulself…

Sien net toe die geld is in voor elf!…

Maar wanneer ons stil sit en nabetrag, het ons in plaas van vooruitgaan

eintlik agteruit beweeg. Maar terugaan kan ons nie, ons is hier om te bly!

Al het ‘n paar geskrik, belei, berou en gegly…

(sien julle weer) MAGTIGE ” HUGENOTE…..”

NOU is dit hoogs kish.. om groen te wees.. ag wat ‘n grap.

Ons voorvaders was so Bio en So GROEN as wat kan kom, en hulle was nie tevrede nie!

Nou is ons waar hulle wou wees en ons is nie tevrede nie!

Wat wil die mens tog he?…………..seker is

DIE ANTWOORD:

KINNERS BY DOSYNE,.. KINNERS BY DOSYNE,..

JA SOOS OP DIE TROUE!

Sonder hulle is dit net ‘n gejaag na wind.

Nooit sou ek besef watter inpak kinders op ‘n mens het nie.

Hulle bring jou terug na dit wat belangrik is.

Laat jou besef dat daar tog ‘n doel is om na te streef al is dit net hulle welsein en vooruitgang en glo my kan hulle vooruitgaan!

Dit forseer jou om nie tou op te gooi nie en om die nuwe en die ou dinge in die lewe raak te sien jy moet hulle laat besef dat die verlede belangrik is want dis jou herkoms en dat die toekoms wink,

(al weet jy daar ’s storms en berge voor) moet jy hulle in alle oorgawe oortuig dat dit maanskyn en rose gaan wees……

Pesemisties?

Glad nie net oorweldig deur die verantwoordelikheid van die hele storie. Kon my ma nie meer spesifiek gewees het nie ek meen die beste was TROU IN NIE PERDE KOOP NIE MY KIND!

Met alle respek gese.. trou was die minste” kindersgrootmaak” nou dis nie perde koop nie!

Glo my ek sal in die goeie dae en daar is baie, twintig wou gehad het.. ,

maar in die slegte dae, van ek wil nie tuiswerk doen en ek wil alles he wat my oe sien, en ek weet klaar alles wat nodig is om in die nuwe wereld “waarvan ma in elk geval niks weet nie” oor die weg te kom, dink ek, een hoogs, twee sal die ding doen.

Nie so baie soos die tannie in die skoen!

SO IS EK RYK?

Natuurlik!

So ryk as wat ek kan bekostig om te wees!

Want evolusie haal my met die spoed van wit lig in,

en ek probeer my bes om by te bly!

Help tog asseblief ek wis nie meer wat moet, die kinders, die kerk, die man, grootouers EN of die werk……………..

Salig is my sondag….Varkboud(ekonomies & VETVRY GETRIM..)

ertjies uit ‘n blik, Five minute micro rice en bisto ready sauce!

Wel dis nou ek…..IN DIE NUWE MICROGOLF GADGET FRIENDLY ERA!

Twintig jaar getroud vandag 3 September 2008,

wat meer het ek verwag?

Baie geluk me myself en ek ……

(Kinders, troeteldiere, familie en Man included)(package deal “lol”)

Die som totaal van my verhaal   (word vervolg…….)

]]> http://galzchat.wordpress.com/2008/11/13/evolusie/feed/ 0 Ciska-Rene farmbannerfp images-tannie-skoen1 http://galzchat.wordpress.com/2008/11/13/die-verhaal-van-drank/ http://galzchat.wordpress.com/2008/11/13/die-verhaal-van-drank/#comments Thu, 13 Nov 2008 10:22:10 +0000 Ciska-Rene http://galzchat.wordpress.com/?p=48 ]]>

DIE VERHAAL VAN

DRANK !

Eendag, lank-lank gelede,

het CAPTAIN MORGAN met sy THREE SHIPS,

vanaf CAPE VELVET na CAPE TO RIO uitgevaar.

Hy kon nie met sy WHITE HORSE ry nie want hy het kwaai aan DRAMBUIE gely.

JOHNNIE WALKER het op die skip MAINSTAY met Kaptein RICHELIEU se dogter,

BERNINI , (wie ‘n lekker OLD BROWN SHERRY was), se PUSKIN gespeel.

RICHELIEU het vir JOHNNIE WALKER behoorlik met n BLOU SAMBUKA bygekom,

hom aan die BOLS beetgekry en ge MARTELL tot die dood.

Die bemanning VAT 69 dae deur KLIPDRIFT, oor SWARTLAND,

verby WINDHOEK al langs SIMONSVLEI landgoed tot by CHIVAS REGAL

se CASTLE, waar CHICOTO, die leeutemmer en KAHLUA, die diensmeisie,

JOHNNIE WALKER se lyk vir die sewentien LIONS gevoer het.

Na die skokkende gebeurtenis was die OUDEMEESTER en SQUADRON lelik

die MAMPOER in, en was die WIT BLITZ los.

Hulle blaas op hulle 100 PIPERS en net voor die BELLS lui,

stort JEREPICO se mure inmekaar.

Vanaf die CASTLE stuur PRINCE CHARLIE ‘n boodskap met ‘n FISH EAGLE oor DRAKENSIG

na KOOS WYE VOETE (KWV ) wat in 5TH AVENUE , JOHANNESBERGER bly.

Intussen sien FISH EAGLE ‘n GOLD DUCK, kry ‘n bonsende RED HEART

en land onmiddelik op haar DIMPLE TEQUILA.

Met die noodlanding breek hy ongelukkig sy een HANEPOOT en beskadig sy SAKKIES .

Die forteinsoeker, ene HEINEKEN, gaan die bouvalle van JEREPICO binne,

opsoek na HUNTERS GOLD en SPICED GOLD en kom sy AMAROELA tee.

Meneer OHLSON, wat ‘n BLACK LABEL van afkoms is, hou hom HANSA  slim

(maar eintlik is hy net n DOM PEDRO), SNAPPS nie,

SMIRNOFF en J&B se storie nie en skree VIVA BERNINI!

Hierdie verhaal sal nooit in der ewigheid sy DOP,

of einde sien nie.

Op ‘n dag sit ek so verlore by die huis soos ‘n katjie wat in die winter sy ma verloor het en bejammer myself iets gruweloosliks oor ek self nie seker wat nie..

My sus kom ruk my daar op om die dorp te gaan plat stap, en ek meen letterlik plat stap, nie lank nie of ek poog om elke hoek en draai om tog net asb ‘n oomblik erens te sit, ma nee ons het heeltemal te veel om te doen. Dis hier in en daar uit die sweet loop my behoorlik af ek voel hoe die oggend se stort homself uitwoed en plek maak vir ‘n nare middagreukie..

Die skoon citrus reuk in my hare maak plek vir iets soos lemoensap in wording en daar is niks mee sprake van die lekke mint smakie in my mond nie nee, daarvoor is ek net te dors…Voel eerder of my asem dalk nou soos ‘n siek kameel s’n ruik dink ek by myself, maar durf nie die gedagtes uitspreek nie, want wat ook al gebeur ma sê altyd in die “openbaar” gedra jy jou soos ‘n dame en ons is in die openbaar en ek beskou myself as ‘n dame…

Dames poep nie.. sit nie op tafels nie.. kou nie oopbek chappies nie.. hoes nie op ander mense nie ..(veral nie as jy in ‘n ry staan nie) nies defenetief nie oor mense in ‘n huisbak nie… lees nie oor iemand se skouer nie …

Chip nie in as iemand praat nie…… (al wil jy of mal raak of weghardloop – luister jy aandagtig en sorg dat die persoon weet jy hoor deur heeltyd oogkontak te hou) natuurlik met die vertroue in jouself dat hulle nie jou gedagtes werklik in jou oe kan lees nie..!

Jy trek ook nie jou ‘ander’ klere reg wa ander mense jou kan sien nie… Want dames sweet NIE..

Ons eet nie die lekkerste vleisies van die been af nie, want jy mag nie jou hande aan die kos sit nie… Lek ook nie jou bord ui nie..

Slurp nie ‘n Milkshake nie en bestel nie groot porsies kos nie. Spare Ribs en Prawns wen natuurlik so af en toe, ma ons probeer dan met baie goeie maniere die meeste van die kos met ‘n mes en vurk inkry voor ons die res versigtig en met groot moeite, sonder dat die samelewing te veel opmerk klaar eet… en verskoon dan onsself deur baie galant die “vinger bowl” te gebruik.

Ons eet ook nie met plastieke messe en vurke nie en verkies ‘n bring en braai sonder papierborde…

Dames drink uit dun koppies en glase. Ons eet nie die ys nie en onder geen omstandighede word jy met cheap plastiek in die hand gevang nie – dit sluit ook die gebruik van Bruin getinte glase en afoor koppies in.

So ook wanneer ‘n bord ‘n krakie en of ‘n “chip” in het al is dit skaars sigbaar en haarfyn moet daardie bord vernietig word.

Nou maar ja..

Dames Hou jul pose, maar onthou net dit:

IF  LIFE GIVE YOU LEMONS

MAKE LEMONADE

Want enige suur in die lewe is meer draagsaam as jy ‘n ou suikertjie bysit……

was CREATED for

GALZONE for,

Her Ladies & Gentz who would like to leave

comments…..

or just their footprints..

Galzone is the

playground for woman  young at heart and

full of life.

English poems

“Afrikaanse gedigte”

Hier kan jy lees oor

gesondheid, gesindheid en

seksuele bevrediging.

Learn about health,

family issues and sexual

freedom.

Come and play

with  us!

Jy’s  genooi  kom speel!

Live and let Live!…

Leef en laat Leef!

Should anybody be offended

please I would like to

know about  it!

Feel free to Enjoy!

add your comments…HERE!

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